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I went looking for weird crime news, but there was no need. The truth was just too weird.

For example, United Press reported that a London businessman was duped by two unemployed con men into paying a $2 million deposit on the Ritz Hotel, thinking that it was for sale.

The hotel, which is worth over a billion dollars, was offered to him for $500 million. It was clearly a deal too good to pass up, or too good a deal to believe.

In Florida, a nightclub dancer had an argument with the manager over her pay. She stormed out, but returned with two friends. They shot up the strip club, shooting patrons, the manager and other dancers, with paintballs.

Also in Florida last week, police arrested a 73-year-old man who shot off his gun in a grocery store. There was no mention what he was upset about (long lines, or sale items sold out), but apparently he had already been ordered out of the store.

He entered the IGA Supermarket through the exit and started an argument with the manager.

He drew his gun, the manager drew a gun, and then the assistant manager weighed in with his gun.

He fled the store, firing shots over his shoulder as he left, and they had a shootout at the buggy corral.

It reminds me of my favourite bumper sticker: Fight Crime, Shoot Back.

In another United Press story, a 78-year-old Swedish man helped police catch three bank robbers by taking their picture. He was leaving the bank when the three masked men got out of a nearby car.

A lookout man pointed a gun at him but he pointed his camera and took a picture and then followed the men into the bank. Despite being threatened with a crowbar, he clunked a gunman on the head with a metal tool from his car.

He says he only did what needed to be done. And the story really did say 'clunk.'

In a story from New Mexico, an 83-year-old great-grandmother was filling her van at the gas station when a young man approached her and asked for money. He grabbed her purse and she sprayed him with gas.

He dragged her on the ground and she wouldn't give up. One man intervened, and another wrote down information on the vehicle.

He and two accomplices were locked up. Her truck was filled up.

And she was fed up, full of piss and vinegar.

There were other stories of fighting back, such as "Woman stops burglar with ice scraper," about a victim who wouldn't say uncle and a thief who didn't get away.

Other criminals weren't really trying to get away, such as the man who was arrested after running across a frozen lake, in the nude.

Another man was arrested when he drove around a town in Illinois wearing nothing but his birthday suit.

The police cautioned other drivers not to follow his example, and the mayor thought it important to announce that his town is not a nudist colony so people need to keep their clothes on.

OK, it's good to have that clarified.

There were also stories of other would-be criminals who were their own worst enemy, such as the speeding motorcyclist who videotaped himself going 164 miles per hour through a police speed trap.

Or how about the candy thieves who left a trail of empty wrappers after their late night break-in at a candy store?

Or the man who burglarized a house but stopped to eat some chicken he found in the fridge? Apparently his 'finger-licking good' snack left traces of DNA.

In Indiana, thieves stole some stereo equipment and then stopped off to have lunch. Police identified their car and could see the stereo sitting in plain view inside the car, with the wires still attached.

In another story from Indiana, a man robbed a convenience store, with a holdup note written on the back of an old ABM receipt. It was his old receipt.

Sounds like an intelligence test to me.

Chris McCormick teaches criminology at St. Thomas University. His column appears every second Thursday. He can be reached at crimeknowitall@hotmail.com.