Helping people heal
Published Saturday October 11th, 2008
It's like dealing with a death but in a separation or divorce, closure is often difficult to achieve.
Rev. Doug Hapeman is head of a separation and divorce support group called DivorceCare at Grace Memorial Baptist Church.
When a marriage ends with a death, the grieving partner finds comfort in knowing they were loved. But in cases of separation and divorce, the end of the relationship can be filled with the pain of rejection and betrayal, he says.
"It's complicated further when there are children involved because you keep running into the ghost and you can never get closure because you have to continue the relationship to some degree."
Feelings of anger, loneliness and depression are common. It is far better to get one-on-one counselling and group support than to try and deal with this time on your own. It helps to speak to others who understand what you are feeling, he says.
"The experts are the participants. Nobody knows better what the territory is like than those who are going through it.
"Then as they open their lives and share in the context of the support group, they become the agents of hope and healing."
DivorceCare began in Fredericton in 1998 after Hapeman, senior pastor at Grace Memorial, decided the church should reach out to the community in a way that no other church was doing. Caring for those going through the pain of separation and divorce seemed like the right thing to do.
When DivorceCare started, he recalls, some questioned why a church would be involved in a support group for separated and divorced people. But it wasn't long before this came to be a place where people knew help and healing could be found.
Since its beginning, over 550 people have been helped through this support group.
Often this group gets referrals from the police force and counsellors. Most people who are in DivorceCare are also seeing a professional counsellor.
"What the counsellors find is that sometimes one-on-one can become so clinical and what a person needs is a support group and we provide one that complements the one-on-one counselling."
Through this 13-week support group, participants watch videos on aspects of separation and divorce and then talk about their feelings. Often things someone wouldn't tell their closest family and friends about their broken relationship, they feel able to share in a confidential setting.
"We don't pass judgment on another person's story. It's their truth. There's a little dumping on the exes and the other party involved. There are some nights where everybody takes up your cause."
When people go through separation and divorce, their sense of self-worth can be damaged and many feel like second-class citizens.
DivorceCare validates the individual and tries to show that there is hope for a brighter future, says Hapeman.
How adults cope with a separation and divorce will have a great impact on how children deal with it.
Some children seem to go through a separation and divorce with few troubles while others struggle with it.
Kids may express sadness and grief in many ways, such as depression, crying, sleeplessness, appetite changes, defiance or other behavioural issues, explains Hapeman.
Children often feel guilty and believe that they have done something to cause a separation and divorce.
For the past year-and-a-half the church has offered DivorceCare for Kids. Here children talk with other kids and adult facilitators about their parents' breakup.
"Children can sometimes think if they'd been better, it wouldn't have happened. We have one session called 'It's not your fault'."
It's in these sessions that kids learn to manage their emotions. They are taught how to stop, breathe and relax so they can get through feelings of anger.
Children can recover from separation and divorce if it is properly handled. Anger and bitterness toward your former spouse can harm kids more than the separation or divorce itself, says Hapeman.
Blaming the other parent can cause kids to feel as though they must choose sides.
It is very important to remember that while you may not like your former spouse anymore, your children do. Hapeman says children should never be used as weapons in divorce.
"In the adult sessions we talk about not using your children as pawns and in the children's session we deal with that too."
In an effort to make the best of a bad situation, adults should try to be co-operative and to do what's best for the children, says Hapeman.
With a two-home environment, kids need consistent routines, including bedtimes, meals, visits with friends or relatives and discipline.
Never use the children's visits to check up on the other parent. This makes the visit uncomfortable for the child, says Hapeman.
Sometimes marriages can be saved. Sometimes two people can agree to an amicable divorce. This is rare. Hapeman says most cases of separation and divorce involve a lot of hurt and pain.
When it comes to reconciliation, Hapeman says sometimes this is only possible when people realize there will be no getting back together.
In a divorce it is helpful when two people can be civil to one another and move forward with their lives. This can be very difficult when someone doesn't want their marriage to end.
Most people who marry do so with the intention of a lifetime commitment. But in today's society when times get tough, many people think of separation and divorce as an alternative.
"I think culturally we have been living in a me-first generation. We've become an instant gratification society. When it comes to marriage and relationships we want it all and we want it now. These are not the values that our grandparents had."
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